Let me start by disclosing that I have an inherent bias for anything Chimamanda. But I can’t help it. She is the sum of poise and finesse. It was a cold rainy night, but I had walk more than twenty minutes in the rain to get to the venue. Chimamanda was invited to Notre Dame University for a public lecture, and it was for me, an opportunity to be in the same physical space with the woman who models my feminism.
We were not allowed to record her more than two hours or less of speech and Q&A interactions (I admit I lost track of time), but a few things will stick with me for a lifetime. Like how she glories and embraces her sense of self and culture, she was quick to correct a young girl who referred to Igbo as a dialect. “The African tribe is not a dialect; it is a language with different dialects. The reason I am so comfortable in the world, and I am comfortable really anywhere in the world, is because I know who I am, and I know who I am because my parents gave me that sense of just a very deep-seated grounding; in my Igboness.”
Her accent is authentic. She spoke about her experience in America when she first came to study; she found how Americans spoke to and interacted with international students condescending and the illusion that you cannot speak English because you have a foreign accent. Her advice, ignore all those things. As an international student myself, living the realities of these all resonated with me. I’ve realized it’s so easy to theorize racism until you must deal with it head-on, then it hits you.
She spoke about grief as one of her most challenging moments. She believes in honoring her rage and her grief. The African tendency to approach despair by putting a lid on it. We are expected to remain the same in the face of suffering. But “how can you ask me to remain the same? There is something I feel almost inhumane about being asked to remain unchanged in the face of such loss; that pain is because we loved, give it room, wallow in your grief, and allow yourself to be enraged with the world.” I lost the most important person to me when I was a child, my tender heart did ache, but I didn’t fully understand the finality of death. Over the years, life did, and cruelly so, taught me that there’s a pain that never really heals. As a child, I was told not to cry when all I wanted was to cry. I will revisit this grief and wallow in it.
But there must be that one person in the room that will ask that question about economic inequality when coming to the US. The way Americans think all Africans are poor and America is the land of plenty. The answer: “I do not fit the stereotype of the poor African because I was not a poor African; I grew up relatively privileged.” She spoke about how shocked she was by the poverty in America. I have to say I was shocked too. The level of homelessness in the US is concerning; how some people must moonlight to make ends meet.
Her counsel to young women and girls was the same she said she’d have given to her 23-year-old self: “…so many things you worry about are just not worth it, live a little bit more; I think I wasted time, and you know that saying that youth is wasted on the young, I think it is so true and only when you are not young do you realize how true it is, I think I want to urge young people to live and don’t spend too much time worrying, I think I worried too much about things that are now looking back inconsequential… and be kinder to yourself, especially as women.”
My highlight of the night was the question of women supporting women, misogyny, and feminism. She asked, “why do women always have to do the work?” And I have been asking myself lately why must we always prove? “Women are raised in a system that is not only male-dominated but also male appeasing, so many women are raised to participate in things that are actually harmful to them… I now say to young women, make a decision to refuse to participate, to refuse to participate when you see a woman being torn down because she is a woman, refuse to participate when you can tell that there are obvious double standards. Misogyny can come sort of wrapped in the language of love so that we hold women to higher standards.” On this last day of the women’s month, I call on my female-folk to refuse to participate, to refuse to be judgmental of other women, to not remain calm in the face of disrespect. When women don’t support women, it is patriarchy that benefits.
I can go on and on; so much to write about. Oh, I like this woman. When she discloses she doesn’t read one book at a time, I felt relieved; I used to think that habit was my flaw. And before you ask, yes, I took notes. I had one memorable evening with Chimamanda, and I had to share.
About author:
Mariam Koroma is junior partner at Marrah & Associates- marrahandassociates.com and a candidate for LLM at the Notre Dame University. 